Agamemnon Vercingetorix

CHARACTER

Name:Agamemnon Vercingetorix

Age:18, Third day of the First Month

Gender:Male

Symbol:none

Occupation:Student at Beacon

Appearance:Height:6’0” Weight:180lbs Dark orange eyes, well-toned body, short black hair, tan skin, scar over left eye, is half cat faunus and has cat ears. Usually wears black pants and a purple jacket

History: Born in a distant land away from the Vale. He lived in poverty with only his father because his mother had been killed by beowolves. He was friends with another boy, whose name was unknown to him, until age 8 when the boy moved away. He never saw him again though he does remember an instance when someone rescued him from thieves the he believes was the boy grown up. When he was 15 he was walking through the woods when all of the sudden, a gang of thieves jumped out from behind the bushes. They demanded that he hand over all of his money. He said no and things got violent. Though he put up a great effort, one of the thieves cut him over the left eye, making him fall. Out of nowhere, a stranger came and started defending him.  After the stranger defeated the last thief, he turned towards Agamemnon and said "Better start carrying a weapon". With that, the stranger ran off, leaving agamemnon in a bewildered state. At age 16 he started training with his chakrams that were passed down to him. At age 17 he moved to the Vale and enrolled in Beacon. There after initiation, he is paired with Niro Attano and is awaiting the formation of their team.

Personality: Usually sarcastic, bitter about the whole thieves thing, usually conceded and sticks to himself unless it comes to teamwork, in which case, he's open to new ideas. He is also overly confident in himself. Usually can be found meditating.

Strength: Hand-to-Hand combat, long range weapons, semblance, teamwork, speed, strength, intellect

Weakness: Short range weapons, overly confident, tends to take control over situations, his love life, stamina, elements due to lack of armor, prolonged use of semblance

Semblance: Telekinesis. Has both speed and power.
Weight: 90lbs single object
Lift Speed: Moderate (same post, can throw next post)
Kinetic Force: moderate
Range: 10' lift/ 10' throw
Aura Costs: 15% to lift, 2%/sec to hold, 5% to throw

WEAPON

Name: Demorcrates and Pontius

Primary Form: 2 chakrams purple and black with silver tips, both long range and melee weapons. Can be thrown, and when thrown travels at high speeds and makes a big impact. Capable of slicing through flesh.

Secondary Form: Crossbow. Can fold over into half circle crossbows. Shoots high impact arrows.

Tertiary Form:

History: Passed down from generation to generation starting with his grandfather who used them in the war. After his grandfather died, the chakrams were passed on to his father who never told him about them. For his 16th birthday, his father revealed the chakrams to him and told him the story about how his grandfather had used them in the war. Then as a gift were passed on to him, which led him to start training with them.

First of all, you need more details in almost every section. For instance, detail the event with the thieves and subsequent rescue and flesh out the personality a bit more.

Also, a semblance is limited to a single ability. That ability can manifest itself in multiple ways, but they need to be sourced from the same base ability. That said, we couldn't approve of mind control as a semblance. Influence or suggestions might be possible under severely limited situations, but not mind control.

Telekinesis is more plausible, but I would need more detail in terms of weight limitations, lift speed, can he move more than one object at a time, and what kind of strain does this put on him.

And lastly, while I can only think of a couple people who actually list and stick to an ammo constraint, you can't actually have unlimited ammo.

Ive made some changes. I've made his weapons more realistic, and his personality is different. Also ive made some changes to his semblance and included more in his history

Well, everything still seems a bit short, but I can live with it. However I have one question about the semblance before I can approve. How far away from him can he lift an object?

As it stands, I don't think I could approve of the current weight limit if the range was any more than about 5'. While most characters are over the 150lb mark, there are enough under it that the potential for him to simply throw them around at will exists.

He needs to be in a range of 25-30 feet of an object to lift it.

So after discussing things with the others, I've come to the conclusion that a Telekinesis semblance is much trickier to balance than we first thought. The big problem is cost per gain, and the limitations of the human body.

So instead of a lot of back and forth that will only really delay approval, I wrote up some ideas on a workable semblance. While none of them are really what you had originally outlined they are all pretty powerful in their own right, depending on how you want to play.

Package A: A middle of the road package. Not focused on speed or power, but has a bit of both.
Weight: 90lbs single object Lift Speed: Moderate (same post, can throw next post) Kinetic Force: moderate Range: 10' lift/ 10' throw
Aura Costs: 15% to lift, 2%/sec to hold, 5% to throw

Package B: Excels at overwhelming quickstrikes over a long range.
Weight: 50lbs combined over up to 10 objects Lift Speed: Fast (lift and throw same post) Kinetic Force: light Range: 20' lift/ 15' throw
Aura Costs: 10% to lift, 1%/sec to hold, 1% to throw

Package C: The heavy hitter, but at the cost of a massive aura drain.
Weight: 140lbs single object Lift Speed: Slow (lift and throw next post) Kinetic Force: heavy Range: 5' Lift/ 10' throw (20' boosted throw)
Aura Costs: 25% to lift, 1%/2 sec to hold, 1% to throw (3% boosted throw)

Notes:
Range: The throw range is in addition to the lift range. ie: package a gives him the ability to strike a target 20' from him buy lifting an object 10' away and throwing it an additional 10'

Force: Light- Enough to break bones against an unarmored human. Will bruise smaller grimm. (Boarbatusk, Beowolves)
Moderate- Lethal head strikes to smaller grimm. Heavy bruising with a change to break against midsized grimm. (Ursa Minor)
Heavy: Lethal blows to midsized and smaller grimm. Moderate damage to larger grimm. (Ursa Major, Deathstalker) Light damage to giant grimm. (Nevermores)

Spoiler:

After much thought, im going to go with package a. Though its not what I originally intended, it will work for me and my character.

Don't forget to edit that information into the profile. However you want to word it is fine, just as long as all the pertinent information is there.

Moved to MIA.

I 've made the changes to my character's profile about his semblance. I'm sorry for the delay

It still seems to be a bit lacking in details. Try looking through some of the other profiles in the approved section to get an idea on how to flesh things out.

Moved to MIA 04-27-14