Okay so, did some discussing. Some issues that have come up vary from minor to major.
First, it seems unlikely that a 23 year old became a Lt. Col. already. Your history says you were bumped up to become guardian of the girl, but... it seems strange that you'd get a promotion so you could give someone a tour.
There is a lot of discussion revolving around Dai Altas. It seems like a potential hub for Mary Sue characters, as they possess ludicrously more advanced technology. Technology so advanced that they can create fake Dust, but can't weather a storm. I don't like the fake dust thing at all. I feel like it will clash with canon information about Dust in the future. I would be fine with it being a weakened version, but it can't be the same. The overall state of the place is... okay. However, I personally would like to see some more worldbuilding, and you do have an opportunity here to add some. Writing the history of this place, for example.
Regarding Mako, overall he seems like a super badass, being part of this small team that handled a huge amount of work, and was the only one to survive this storm in centuries, etc.
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So, the synthetic ore part needs to be changed, regardless of their insanely advanced technological level. I just don't like it. Make it not as good as Dust, or a watered down version, or something.
I'm going to have others comment on this before deciding if I approve it, pending the discussion of the above topics.